A Bunch of Head Balloons

 

After going to too many clueless (or worse) doctors, trying every self-help and alternative thing I could afford, without any relief in sight, I am trying some new things. What is happening? My nervous system has been stuck in shutdown. It feels like more and more of my system is trying to shut down. Sometimes, I have been having trouble keeping my eyes open. The most seemingly insignificant things overwhelm me. My metabolism is slower than ever. My body won’t cooperate, and my mind feels like it is trapped in molasses. I can’t think straight, or remember things, or focus.

And, yet… I’m surrounded by a society that is detached from our environment, eschewing the fresh air and dirty “nature”. Preferring sanitized trails and raw kale to a home cooked meal. We are all so detached from our bodies. Many of us spend our time in LED lights and have no idea where food comes from. We no longer, as a group, feel the changes in the seasons, let alone the currents of the complex electrical system that runs our organs, brains and blood. Would you sense a lion nearby if you couldn’t see it? I’m sure our ancestors could.

Our bodies can’t tell the difference between being chased by a tiger, and frantically approaching a deadline for that report

, presentation, assessment, audit, etc. The trauma(s) I have dealt with is much more dramatic than a deadline, but we all have different perspectives and tolerances for stress. And, I too, have felt the daily stress of traffic and being jostled by droves of strangers.

When we are disconnected from our bodies and our environments, we are just existing in our minds. At first, it seems to be a relief. Who wants to be in a messy, needy body, or in a possibly dangerous environment. But we get trapped there with all our worries, fears and regrets. With nowhere to go, “we” are like floating heads, mind balloons, that get more and more damaged over time. Drifting over our bodies in an endless parade of activities.

Slowly, I am reconnecting to my body and my environment. It’s scary and difficult. My body has often not been a safe place. I have dealt with chronic illness most of my life. It is uncomfortable, and I have often sought solace in books, research, striving, mysteries of the universe, or whatever could distract me from being so uncomfortable. The environment is where a lot of the danger that traumatized me came from. It hasn’t been safe. My entire life, I have not known what safety truly felt like.

But safety is our birth right. I’m learning that safety does not come from my environment or my loved ones, but it comes from within. With therapists and support groups I have worked on this for years, to learn to listen to my instincts, to learn who to trust and who to avoid. It’s been a difficult journey. Now I know why. The parts of my brain and body that are part of that warning system, the parts that keep me safe, physically and mentally, have been offline. They have been disconnected in a desperate attempt to protect my psyche. No wonder it’s been so difficult.

Now I can see loved ones, haunted by their own minds, floating around in their own mind balloon prisons. I can’t even say for sure it is safe for them to come out. I am just now learning to stick my toe in the water of this new world of nervous system regulation. But it feels right, it feels right in ways that feel new and old at the same time.

Learning to self soothe as an adult is tricky. I am unable to do much, but I know how to go forward. I know how to take baby steps. Thanks to Irene Lyon, Dr. Peter Levine and Dr. Gabor Maté, I am learning skills and ideas that I hope to use to become a more functional me again. I have hope.