What is health?

I've never felt so powerless and so powerful at the same time. 

I used to be able to walk for what seemed forever, miles. Last summer, I fought the altitude in Colorado to walk with my partner. Three miles was doable, even if it is less than I'm used to being able to do.

It's been almost a year of trying to figure out why my body is failing, I feel so weak. Things that came easily to me are causing pain or leaving me out of breath. My legs are strong, but my butt burns even with a short walk, or standing very long. 

The simplest task leaves me exhausted - think showering, eating dinner, stopping by the grocery store. I don't mean grocery shopping, I'm not stupid. I have learned to get help with that, whether it's grocery delivery or ordering pick up to be loaded in my brother's truck. Walking around a grocery store is usually too much for me. I started needing help putting away the groceries, which was annoying before this, but not actually hard to do. 

Even the yoga and Qigong that I used to relax, stretch and meditate, has become almost impossible. I am not trying to blame my body. It has been through a lot in my lifetime, including abuse and trauma in spades. I have also, long since, realized that a war with my body, was an attack on myself. Fighting my body uses precious energy I don't have. I guess I started recovering from an eating disorder just in time. 

After starts and spurts of exercise that left me in bed for days, or injured, I have to listen extra close to my body. I did about fifteen minutes of stretching and chair yoga this morning. I feel pretty good, but time will tell if it leaves me exhausted the rest of the day. I'll try again, and again. I'll see what works and keep at it to build strength and stamina. Besides my own desire to have a body that can move more and the health benefits I know that moving will give me, I'm turning fifty in six months. I have a lot planned with my partner, and I am determined to have a blast.

I have been in similar situations. Not as dire, physically, but close enough that I know that there is hope. I have been in a much worse place, mentally and spiritually. After years of abuse and torture, I left a marriage torn and scared with a new-found, fragile self-esteem and a support system that I recently built with people I trusted more than I had anyone in my life (from Al-anon). My body worked better then, although I thought it was the bottom, it clearly was not. My adrenal system was shutting down in 2015, after being free of my abuser. The doctor said it was no wonder my body was exhausted after walking on eggshells for almost a decade.

Now, I seem to be in a reverse situation. My body has been failing - slowly breaking down with lack of oxygen and sleep for at least a couple of years. I had severe, undiagnosed, sleep apnea. I knew it ran in the family, I knew that it could have disastrous effects on the cardiovascular system. It wasn't until my blood pressure spiked to 175/105 (it has been normal to low all my life) that I realized that I was too worried about taking care of my family and not worried enough about taking care of myself.  The sleep study showed that I stopped breathing 53 times an hour, not a night, an hour! That's my body discontinuing to breath over four hundred times a night. No wonder I felt horrible.

I didn't have insurance. Texas is a horrible place to be without health insurance. I sacrificed my career, tens of thousand of dollars to take care of my disabled veteran father in the last couple of years of his life, to be left out in the cold. I didn't make enough to get Healthcare from the Marketplace. There was no help from the state unless you have small children. I was making about $8000/year while taking care of my dad and couldn't get any assistance. Texas just shrugged its shoulders and said I should have chosen not to take care of my dad or should have had better bootstraps. I promise, all the help that people say poor people get, all the free money and healthcare doesn't exist in the south. It didn't in Georgia, either.

Even though my health was complicated with severe depression, I was unable to get food assistance, or disability. I was able to get free meds, but that doesn't pay for food. I ended up having to borrow money from my disabled parents on a small fixed income, to eat and pay my few bills. There was nothing left after the sometimes dozens of doctor appointments for my dad, along with making sure he was getting his meds (he took thirty-seven at one point), getting all the labs, getting enough to eat, etc. to work a job. Plus, my mind was so inconsistent, my memory so unreliable, I couldn't have worked if I wanted to.

There is more there about healthcare, the Veteran's administration, and Texas to discuss, but that paints the picture for now.

With all this, with my world crumbling and my body and mind getting less reliable, I was happy. What? It's crazy, I know. Did I feel despair sometimes? Of course. Did I think life was too hard to live sometimes? Yes. But my optimism, my supportive friends and my partner were there. He was great while my dad was alive, and was there like a mountain after my dad died. 

I also have a track record of survival and, like a phoenix, I have risen from the ashes before. 

Even while slowly coaxing my body to get stronger and do more, I feel more powerful than I ever have. I did the right thing, moving back to Texas. I did the right thing, helping my parents. I have integrity. Fear does not darken my doorstep. I know I am strong, smart, creative, resilient, resourceful, confident and determined. That's a lot. 

All along my partner has been there, cheering me on, a shoulder to cry on, to tell me a silly joke to make me laugh. His presence is very comforting. This has helped me hold on, to continue to believe everything will work out. This is the first time I have been with someone that made me feel safe and inspired. He matches me, intellectually, and is my equal. I feel seen.

I'm here to tell you that there is hope. No matter what condition you or your body is in, you can fight, you can be happy.