Brain Fog Enough to hide a Stadium

My brain turned off again. It’s been three weeks since I have been able to write. I’m not even sure that this will be coherent. If I use words like coherent, does that help? At least my sense of humor hasn’t abandoned me.

I don’t know how other people deal with this. I’ve had brain fog before. Major depression has plagued me for most of my life. I have been pretty foggy. But now it’s like I’m holding on for dear life on an iffy piece of flotsam in the ocean, trying not to drown. I know that if I can just get close to land, I can float-swim my way in, no matter how tired I am. Is that a glimmer of sand or another reflection of water? I don’t know yet.

Don’t think this is the first time I have written since my brain powered down again. I have started about three blog posts. I have an idea and get a few paragraphs out, then my brain stops cooperating. I have to lay down, or take a nap, and the momentum is gone. The memory of what I was writing is lost.

My life has gotten very small. That’s usually a good indication of how well I’m doing. Or not. Days consist of sleeping, reading, talking to my beau, napping, brushing my teeth, oh, and making myself eat. I often can’t be bothered, but then I get a headache and regret it. Yesterday, I was considering if I could live off of yogurt. Probably for a while. I caught myself saying that I no longer had the energy to stir yogurt. So I started getting a brand that did not have fruit on the bottom. Yikes!

With that, I’m grateful that I have done so much emotional work in the past. Otherwise, I would certainly be wallowing in self-pity now. I get it, I’ve been there. I haven’t even called myself lazy once, lately. Because I’m not lazy. My brain and my body aren’t cooperating. My quality of life has actually gotten worse. But I know it won’t last forever, and I know that there are tons of things I want to be doing, and I will, when I can.

Calling myself lazy, useless, a slug, etc. was the constant diatribe in my head a decade ago. My confidence was weighed down by these ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) that banged around in my head. Years of positive affirmations and counteracting these lies when they came up is saving my sanity now. I am barely able to feed and bath myself now, let alone work or create anything. And I am the most confident I have ever been. The irony isn’t lost on me.

Brain fog isn’t really taken seriously. I suspect that women get it a lot more than men and that it is one of the menopause symptoms that are adding to my brain trying to grow back white tissue. That is how I deal. When I can’t do anything but lay in my bed, I research shit. White matter is basically what connects the different parts of the brain. So, things stop working…

I have to hold onto small victories. I have been doing the CPAP treatment for about six weeks now. While, I got a brain boost about a month in, it only lasted for a week or so. I got some writing in, among other things. My body seems to be declining, and it has become so hard to do the physical things that used to be easy. My blood pressure has gone down a lot (usually, around 100/70, now). I actually had to cut my medicine in half, so I wouldn’t pass out. I have a follow-up appointment with the pulmonary doctor in a few days. So, we’ll see how it goes.

High blood pressure was what got my attention enough to get a sleep study. My BP has been low to normal, all my life. Although, I’m pretty sure the doctor didn’t believe me. They see a fat person and assume they have caused all their own health problems (it’s happened so often, I’ve started to expect it). But, sleep apnea caused my pressure to be around 170/105, and I had a horrible headache. I wasn’t sure I should go to the hospital. I called a doctor friend to see if I should rush to the ER. I was able to get it down long enough to go to a doctor (luckily, I had insurance, finally).

I just had to share how debilitating this is. I know I’m not alone in this. Lots of people have brain fog. It’s been a constant companion of mine during depressive episodes. But not being able to think straight, remember things, function, is not fun and has been really hard to deal with. I want to just go outside and walk like I used to, but I can’t at the moment, so I try to stay in the present. I only hope sharing this helps others feel like they aren’t alone. Even if this isn’t the most well written thing I have shared.